Wow. Finally… relief… freedom… gratefulness…
I had an “a-ha” moment this week. It’s amazing how quickly my whole life seemed to come together and make sense to me in one split second. And I’m going to give the credit to my beautiful new niece, Karina Lauren, who was born on Monday, March 12th, because when I saw this first picture of her with my sister, everything came into focus at last.
Of course, things have been leading up to this, (probably for years and years) particularly in the past few weeks when strange things have been happening, and I thought I was ill because I was sleeping so much. I seemed to have symptoms of depression, but I did not feel sad or depressed – just incredibly sleepy. But now, I think it was all of the emotional processing I was doing… it’s exhausting to grow.
I won’t go into every detail, but one of the major events was intiating contact with my first “boyfriend” from kindergarten. His name was Roger, and I used to chase him all around the neighborhood, trying to kiss him (some things never change). I found Roger on MySpace, and I still haven’t heard back from him, but the process of writing the email to him changed me forever. As I began to recall the fun times we had there with our friends, I began to remember things.
More strange things happened… more contact with old friends from high school… a conversation with my kids about my first husband I had never mentioned… and the birth of Karina, reminding me of my own baby deliveries.
I get it. I think I finally understand myself a little, for the very first time. And it feels really great.
And would you believe my parents, who have been divorced for more than 20 years and haven’t spoken a dozen words to each other since, were both there for the birth of their granddaughter, Karina, and they actually hugged each other?
Hey, miracles happen.