My concept is still emerging, and the temptation is to avoid posting anything until all my ideas are firm and clear. I fight Perfection every day, and I hate settling for this mess I see so far.
Anyway… In the spirit of self-exploration, I thought it would be interesting to write from the different emotional states or personalities which, together, make up who I am. (It’s an experiment… bear with me…)
Perfection says I should have these personalities well-defined, each complete with its own personal stationery and writing font. Sigh… she can go to hell.
I feel like I’ve become disjointed, that all my parts have trouble coexisting peacefully, and my goal is to acknowledge each of them, introduce them to each other and have them make peace with one another. I don’t want the shy ones to run and hide. I want to draw them out, so that I can be fully and completely… myself.
I think it’s common and really appropriate to reserve certain personalities for certain situations… for example, the Lisa who likes to cut up and have a drink with the girls is not the same Lisa who participates in her son’s kindergarten classroom parties. The side of myself I express to my lover would not be appropriate to express when I attend church with my mother. You get the picture.
Any mother whose children are no longer infants understands that once the kids are self-sufficient, we sometimes have a bit of an identity crisis. We have been in the Mommy role for years… for me, it was 14 years until now that I have been more concerned with their needs than with my own. For 14 years I denied myself sleep and self-care and hobbies. I forget who I am outside of that role. I forget what I like. I forget what I need.
Religion has played a huge role in my life, and trying to follow man-made rules, both written and unspoken, has caused me not only to hide parts of myself in a box, but to lock it up tightly and try to shut them out forever.
I think it’s time to take a peek at what’s inside.
So far, I guess I have two recent posts which put me into the “survival” mode, so I’m calling that one Surviving. It’s for those times when I really can’t bear the present moment, so I squeeze my eyes shut and pray for the ride to end, knowing I’ll be fine when the car finally stops and I can get out and walk away.
An obvious role I play is that of Mother or Mommy… and perhaps some Daughter posts will come up, since I’m expecting my own mother in for a visit tomorrow.
As for the rest, they have yet to be named or discovered.
So, if you care to come along on this eclectic, disorganized journey of mine, I invite you to subscribe to Unwritten, or, at the very least, I hope you’ll stop by periodically to see what’s going on. Any insight or comments are welcome.
(Perfection would like to apologize for the mess, but I told her to shut up.)