June 19, 2007

Hello. It’s been awhile.

I booked my flight to Belgium for July. I feel like a little kid. 🙂 This will be my first long vacation without the kids since Crete in 2005, and I am planning to enjoy every minute of it.

As I prepare for both vacations, I have spent countless hours trying to look my best. I’m amazed at how much time it really takes to have white teeth, beautiful nails, a golden tan, shiny hair, flattering clothes, and a decent-looking body. Not to say I have all of those things… but it has been my goal. It’s a full-time, selfish job! No wonder we mothers let ourselves go when the children are small; we don’t have a choice, really, because of course we won’t neglect the kids entirely.

But now, I really don’t feel bad about leaving them at home in exchange for an hour or two at the gym. I think they prefer it, actually. And now that their father takes care of them every other weekend, I have plenty of time for shopping and primping. I can get back to me.

The time on the treadmill is my favorite time. I love to day-dream there. I can’t say I love to run, but I do love the way my body feels when I’m finished.

After all the years of self-loathing, I’m learning to like myself. For a self-affirming activity, I stand naked in front of my full-length mirror, and try to find one little part of my body that I like, and of course, I take inventory of the rest, so I know what to work on. But I focus on the part I like. Maybe it’s something strange, like my wrist. I have petite wrists, and I like them. I try not to dwell on my legs, which used to be toned dancer’s legs, but over the years, have accumulated and stored cells filled with bitterness and anger. I wonder if I can turn that around, or if it’s there to stay?

Maybe some would say I’m incredibly narcissistic. I spent lots of years not thinking about my body; I know what that feels like. For me, it’s all connected – mind, spirit, body… when one is out of whack, so go the others.

I feel like I have two strong personalities working in tandem on this project. The first one is goal-oriented, Perseverance. And when I look better, I feel sexy, so the second one is… hmm… what shall we call her?

Fondly,
Perseverance and ?

2 Comments on “The Care and Keeping of Me

  1. Perseverance and lovable That’s what you’rNO narcissist but a woman that first time in her life starts to make some good for herself.so proud you’ll be, like a princess at the streets

    Like

  2. Thanks, alon, for your sweet comment.Lovable is a nice name, and maybe I am Lovable somewhere inside, but the one I’m thinking of has a twinkle in her eye and a swing in her hips.I used to call her “Bad Lisa.” Then I changed it to “Fun Lisa.” Now, I prefer something more descriptive. I’m still thinking on this one.

    Like

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