June 19, 2007
Hello. It’s been awhile.
I booked my flight to Belgium for July. I feel like a little kid. 🙂 This will be my first long vacation without the kids since Crete in 2005, and I am planning to enjoy every minute of it.
As I prepare for both vacations, I have spent countless hours trying to look my best. I’m amazed at how much time it really takes to have white teeth, beautiful nails, a golden tan, shiny hair, flattering clothes, and a decent-looking body. Not to say I have all of those things… but it has been my goal. It’s a full-time, selfish job! No wonder we mothers let ourselves go when the children are small; we don’t have a choice, really, because of course we won’t neglect the kids entirely.
But now, I really don’t feel bad about leaving them at home in exchange for an hour or two at the gym. I think they prefer it, actually. And now that their father takes care of them every other weekend, I have plenty of time for shopping and primping. I can get back to me.
The time on the treadmill is my favorite time. I love to day-dream there. I can’t say I love to run, but I do love the way my body feels when I’m finished.
After all the years of self-loathing, I’m learning to like myself. For a self-affirming activity, I stand naked in front of my full-length mirror, and try to find one little part of my body that I like, and of course, I take inventory of the rest, so I know what to work on. But I focus on the part I like. Maybe it’s something strange, like my wrist. I have petite wrists, and I like them. I try not to dwell on my legs, which used to be toned dancer’s legs, but over the years, have accumulated and stored cells filled with bitterness and anger. I wonder if I can turn that around, or if it’s there to stay?
Maybe some would say I’m incredibly narcissistic. I spent lots of years not thinking about my body; I know what that feels like. For me, it’s all connected – mind, spirit, body… when one is out of whack, so go the others.
I feel like I have two strong personalities working in tandem on this project. The first one is goal-oriented, Perseverance. And when I look better, I feel sexy, so the second one is… hmm… what shall we call her?
Perseverance and ?