Today I realized that this is my first visit since my mother’s retirement. Usually she is out of the house for most of the day, and the kids and I do our thing.
I ran 3 1/2 miles this morning; around and around the tiny neighborhood I went. Instead of letting go of my anger, the more pavement I passed over, the more pissed off I was about my decision to come here at all. At least when my grandmother was alive, we were guaranteed one nice, hospitable meal. We watched my sister’s baby on Friday all day so she could clean her house, supposedly so we could be invited over. Nothing so far. I think I’ve been there once in the past 10 years, just for a few minutes to see her new furniture.
All the cousins I have here… no one can find time for a visit. Fuck them. Fuck them all. I’m tired of doing this trip as my daughterly duty. I’m tired of eating frozen dinners for supper. I’m tired of listening to my mother call my sister 5-6 times a day. I’m tired of listening to all the religious bullshit.
I guess I made the big mistake of getting into my “fun” personality before I left, in anticipation of my trip to Europe, and so far, there is no place for her here.
I’m just so very disappointed about having plan after plan fall through… everyone is backing out… I don’t take it personally, but I’m bored as hell.
Yesterday Mom suggested we go to lunch at the new, exciting Metropolis out in Plainfield. It sounded great – an outdoor mall with lots of restaurants and shopping, she said. After Wendy backed out at the last minute, Mom and I took the kids. I think there were 3 or 4 restaurants, and of course the one we chose sucked. The place was deserted. The anchor store was JCPenney. The place is a nice concept; I can’t believe they chose such cheap stores to put in over there.
So then I think, god, I really have become a snob… maybe no one likes to be around me anymore. A part of me really has outgrown this place in many ways. But this is all most of them know – the west side of Indy – and many of them will never see any other part of the country, much less another part of the world. They are comfortable in their ignorance and stubborn in their beliefs.
And here I sit on the tiny patio in my bathing suit, trying to catch some sun, at least, typing away… later I will dial-up to upload this sad tale, and my mother will walk by 12 times to try to catch a glimpse of what I am up to. All the while, I’m waiting for someone to call me and say, hey, let’s go have some fun. I’m guessing it won’t be my sister, since she can barely grab a shower with the baby in the house.
I’m way past crabapple today – I’d say I’ve moved on to full-fledged bitch.