I don’t want to write.

I am outside of myself lately.

My body is talking and I cannot understand a thing it says. The scale creeps higher and higher. I feel like I have rocks in my belly that are keeping me down – holding me back. I’m uncomfortable every moment of the day, like I just ate a meal that was entirely too big for me.

I want the days to end sooner. When I go to bed, I am disappointed in myself for the lack of productivity. And I know tomorrow will be the same, despite my willful intentions to the contrary.

For brief moments in time, I feel like myself, but my swollen, uncomfortable stomach reminds me I am not.

Time for doctor? Maybe. I fear a “pre-existing condition” label for my upcoming insurance change, so I sit with this and worry every day.

I’m putting up a fight against the things I don’t like in my life right now. I’m trying to “change the things I can.” I know the first step is to find a job. I’m trying. I visualize it. I just don’t want to wait for it.

I’m tired of waiting for things. I hate waiting.

But where is the balance? Pushing for things – trying to force the Universe to move my way… that doesn’t work. Waiting for things – passively sitting and watching the world go by at lightning speed doesn’t seem to work either. Where is the balance?

As much as I feel ready to re-enter the world, I am terrified of it. It’s as though I’ve been sleeping for the last 30 years, and I don’t recognize anything anymore. I don’t know how to “be” in this world.

I cling to my idealistic optimism like a security blanket, yet I trust no one.

I grew a hard, protective shell around myself and I feel stuck inside of it. I don’t belong here anymore, but I can’t find my way out.

I want to get out.

I hate this part of being a creative soul – the dark days are hell.

2 Comments on “Dark Days

  1. We can only change the things we can change, but I suspect that your post hints in part at the reality of your situation, Lisa… you have to muster the will to start that process off.I’m sorry you’re feeling crappy, and hope your tummy feels better soon (I may be short on background info here, though!)

    Like

  2. Thanks for the supportive comments, wdky. I am feeling better today – a little bit.I had an “a-ha” moment this morning. I think it starts with a change in my attitudes about something seemingly unrelated.I will post more on this idea later.

    Like

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