I had a comment on a recent post from an author I cited about the art of seduction. Always happy to debate any subject at all, I posted a lengthy response. Thought you all might be interested in this one:
Dear Art of Seduction,
I am thrilled that you took the time to comment on my post, “How to Get a Date with a Woman You’ve Never Met.” Thanks!
I guess we all go through life basing our beliefs upon our own personal experiences, which, of course, are widely varied, and so I’m content to “agree to disagree” and bat this subject around for entertainment and the opportunity to hear someone else’s experience.
Although my self-esteem hangs by a thread on most days, I do consider myself a reasonably attractive woman, and I can tell you from my experience that I do not have a plethora of men knocking down my door.
I also have beautiful, smart, single girlfriends, with whom I have had countless conversations on this subject, and we all have similar desires.
I don’t know if you are a man or a woman, but I assume you are writing from a male perspective.
You mention first that you rarely call numbers you receive. Well, that’s my first no-no. Girls don’t give men their cards unless the man has expressed interest and asked for it. We want the man to pursue us, not the other way around, unless the woman is the “masculine energy,” in which case my scenario would never work, because women like that go for more passive, “feminine-energy” guys. And believe me, if this situation happened to me in real life, it would never “skip my mind” to call, whether I decided to in the end or not. The minute I got to my destination, I would be on the phone immediately with my best girlfriend, saying, “You aren’t gonna believe what happened to me on the metro this morning!” And I’d be thinking about it all day – yes, even if the guy was butt-ugly.
I agree with you that for my dream scenario to work correctly, there must be some attraction. But of course, the woman must be attractive to the man, also, or he’d have no reason to want to take her out. But attraction, for me, is not only on a physical level, and I think most women would agree. We can be wooed. Most guys don’t care about “wooing” anymore. That’s sort of my whole point here.
This situation is to help you get your foot in the door – a chance to see her again and continue the wooing and the courting.
To your comment about the woman “actively looking for a man…” We are talking about dating here, so I make the assumption that both parties are “datable,” meaning available and willing. I think most single people would be open to dating someone new, even if they weren’t necessarily “on the prowl.”
As for the money thing, I didn’t say it had to be a lot of money. Money doesn’t turn me on. (In fact, if a guy were flaunting it, I would be less likely to go out with him. It would say a lot about his character to me.) But dinner is key. Your comment about the walk at the zoo drives this home. You are saying you could more easily end the date early if you need to (as opposed to a long dinner) – you are setting yourself up with an escape route – not the most attractive thing to a woman you are trying to woo. It shows you weren’t that interested in the first place. Dinner is an investment, not just with your money, but with your time and intention. That’s what we want to see.
You said, “but in common situations… do people really deserve compliments? Unless a girl’s doing something extremely special, it’s likely that she doesn’t deserve one.” Sorry, but I find this laughable and a little rude. “Doesn’t deserve one?” Why do you want to date her, then? If you don’t think I deserve a compliment unless I take a trip to Africa, then fuck you (nothing personal, just debating here). I would never want to date someone with that mentality.
I disagree that “making her feel special” should come later in the relationship. I want to feel special from the first moment. It’s part of the “wooing” process. There is some reason you picked her out of a crowd and wanted to ask her out, so apparently she is special in your eyes somehow… communicate that to her.
Most of us love the Cinderella story. The man pursues… he is so enraptured that he looks high and low for her – now that would make me feel special.
Anyway, I do thank you for your time and comments. This is an age-old mystery, isn’t it? And the women’s movement has sort of confused the issues… This was merely one single woman’s opinion – my little dating fantasy – and I thought I would share it.
Maybe I’ll drop my shoe on the next metro ride…
Just a quick post-script here: I was just reading some blogs and articles about abusive personalities. It occurs to me that the abusers seem to be experts in this wooing process. My sister reminded me the other day, when I mentioned something about finding “Prince Charming,” that “charming” is a verb.
Maybe that’s why so many nice women end up with the bad guys. It’s not that we’re looking for them – it’s that they know how to win our hearts.
The best scenario would be someone who knew how to charm me, but was also a really nice guy underneath… sort of like the Date Doctor in the movie Hitch.
Yes, because that’s what it’s all about, after all, isn’t it? Keeping a woman’s interest long enough to show her your soul… you can’t do that on a metro… or in a bar… or in an online dating profile.