Sigh…

This job-hunting thing is getting old. I honestly didn’t think it would be this hard. I figured I’d email my dazzling resume to a few assorted potential employers of my choice, flash a winning smile at a few easy-going interviews, and then I’d be sitting at my new desk in a trendy office shortly after that, getting to know hundreds of new shining faces and finally developing a social life in this god-forsaken state.

Not happening.

I have excellent credentials. Can staying home to raise children really make that huge of an impact on my future career? Don’t employers admire that? Don’t they realize that book knowledge and learning new procedures is relatively simple, it’s the quality of the person they should regard as important?

I keep calling to mind everything I’ve ever read and everything I know in my heart about manifesting my dreams. I know I’m not supposed to worry about the “hows,” that the Universe will handle that part. But I need a place to start, don’t I? I chose my former field because that’s what I know. That’s what I do. I chose a local venue for my search, because I can’t move at this very moment, and I have 3 children, making a long commute a really bad idea. I’m not stuck on this career path, nor am I stuck on working in Princeton, but I figure if I have to do some footwork, then I need to know some of the steps. If the Universe feels so inclined to send me on another path, I do wish it would hurry up and bang me in the head to let me know. I will listen – I swear.

I wish I could say I’ve had some terrific enlightening experience during the past two years since the divorce, and that I now know my calling in this world… that following my passion has brought me wealth beyond my greatest desires… and that you could see me on an inspiring episode of Oprah and say to yourself, “yes, that’s what I want, too.”

Just as I was composing the above paragraph, my mind wandered directly to my passion. I do know what it is. I’m just fighting it, because I don’t see how I can manage it, and I need a steady source of income right now, which I don’t think would be possible if I were to begin my dream business. Is that the Universe? Or am I making up this gibberish in my head?

Only one person has been encouraging me in the way of that dream. (If you are reading this, you know who you are.) I’m fighting it. All I can see right now is all the reasons it won’t work. And I’m a smart girl. I don’t make stupid mistakes. Ha. I’m also a perfectionist, so doing life on life’s terms, without planning every twist and turn – without knowing the end result right now – is excruciating for me.

Now the tears are coming. I know this dream is real.

I’m so terrified that I don’t have what it takes… I hear my parents’ voices in my head – you never finish what you start. And it’s true. In college, I used to sew my own clothes, and I would get everything finished but the buttonholes (I hated doing buttonholes), so I would use safety pins to hold everything together and wear it anyway. Never did get back to the buttons.

I’m a 90% kind of girl, but that first 90% is fucking awesome.

Now, here I am, a single parent, solely responsible for the welfare of my children and the associated financial planning. I don’t want to screw this up.

Okay, okay… Universe, you can shut up now. I hear you.

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