I’m feeling so much better; I think it’s only fair to post the good along with the “poor me” posts.
I think I’m beginning to “get it.” Weeks like this past one used to have the power to knock me on my butt for days… weeks… months… No more. I’m over it.
The “it” I’m over is the part of those situations that knocked me right out of my shoes. The part that consumed my emotions and thoughts and tried to convince me that injustice can not only overpower me, but leave me ruined and devastated. The part that cares too much about what other people think of me. The part that insists that I am crazy and the rest of the world is sane.
I’m over it.
I’m not hanging on to those emotions, but I did let myself feel them. I’m not feeling the dread and overwhelming hopelessness in my bones. I don’t have to take on what others say and do and make it part of me. I don’t have to have expectations that other people should do what I perceive is “the right thing.”
I can let someone think badly of me and still be okay. I can let someone hurt my feelings and still be okay.
In fact, I’m not just okay, I’m pretty damn happy. 🙂
And this, my friends, is what makes every ounce of injustice and unfairness in my life all worthwhile, if it has driven me to this place where I can heal myself from the pain of it and maintain my serenity in the face of challenges like these. (Well, okay… maybe I’m not maintaining it, exactly – but I was able to regain it quickly.) Because this is life. Life isn’t fair. Life isn’t just. Each of us have different beliefs and no one else’s are exactly the same as mine.
But I can still be okay.
I have decided that, rather than wallow in self-pity all alone on Thanksgiving Day, that I am going to volunteer my services at a soup kitchen or local church. I can’t take credit for this brilliant idea; an online friend suggested it. Perfect plan. I felt better immediately, just thinking of it.
And as for my friend… well… she might come around. She might not. Right now, I’m not in the mood for a conversation anyway. We may speak again and she might never ever address this past weekend. What I decide to do about that is completely up to me, but I am powerless over how she handles it. For now, I refuse to get sucked up in the drama any longer.
I think whenever a person grows and changes, and the other people around her do not, there is going to be some trouble. People don’t like change. People count on us to behave the way we always have behaved, and if they see a variation, it’s frightening. Fear often expresses itself in anger. Let them be mad at me. I’m growing up. I’m not going to do life the same way I’ve always done it. The old ways didn’t work for me, even if they’re still determined to stay stuck in the muck.
So, I’m mothering myself. I’m doing good, gentle, kind things for Lisa and for others. Today, I’m headed to my son’s classroom to be the Mystery Reader of the month. And guess what book I chose? 🙂 Dr. Suess’ Oh, the Places You’ll Go. I guess I’ll be reading it to little Lisa Jo, too. She just loves that story.