Well, we head to Orlando in a few days for the cheer competition, and when I return, I will have the Belgian with me.

My life is going to change in a big way.

I don’t write too much about my feelings in that relationship here on this blog, except when we are in a fit of disagreement about something. I don’t know why I keep that part of my life private; I seem willing to let just about everything else come out on Unwritten.

I’m looking forward to his visit this time, and I have decided to be a better hostess than I was last year. I have decided I don’t have to be right all the time, and I’ve been practicing that lately in a big way, as you know. I have decided to remember the fact that though his English is terrific, it’s not his first language, and that he comes from a culture that is different from mine, and I can be respectful of that.

I can visualize all of the things we might do together… taking the kids into NYC for a show, eating dinner at his favorite American diner, watching him make my breakfast, 🙂 walking the beach in the cold winter wind, strolling around in Princeton, etc. I am fine with all of that.

The part that’s difficult for me, and always is difficult for me before I see him, is flipping that internal “switch” from “Asexual Mommy Head of Household” to “Romantic Equal Partner Lisa.”

I can go months and months without sex. I waited until I was 23 to start having it. My ex’s drive wasn’t that high (at least, not for me, it wasn’t, but in all fairness, I turned into quite a bitch during that hellish marriage), so I just got used to not having sex too often. Then I met a guy who lives in Belgium, and I figure it’s just my destiny to have sex only periodically. In order to survive, I flip my switch to the “off” position until further notice. (And, sometimes, maybe, I purposefully put on weight so I don’t feel sexy in the least. Hmmm…)

And although I have been managing my household by myself for over 2 years now, I really prefer to have help, and sometimes I even like to defer to someone else’s judgment (gasp!) It’s just really hard for me to shift into that role so abruptly.

So… it will be interesting, to say the least.

He is a good man, and I think I’m really lucky that he came into my life when he did. He’s the reason I still believe in fairy tales, after all the real-life nightmares I’ve lived. I’m so grateful that he’s decided to spend his Christmas with us again this year. Must be my amazing charm and wit. 🙂

1 Comment on “Flip the Switch and Turn Me On

  1. “…To say I love you is to say that you are not mine, but rather your own. To love you is to advocate your rights, your space, your self, and struggle with you, rather than against you, in our learning to claim power in the world…. To love you is to be pushed by a power/God both terrifying and comforting, to touch and be touched by you. To love you is to sing with you, cry with you, pray with you, and act with you to re-create the world.”~Carter Heyward


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