Today I’ve been eating like a crazy person, consuming strange combinations of food and massive quantities of it. My stomach hurts.
What is wrong with me?
The Belgian’s visit, especially when it’s immediately preceded by a Mom-role trip to Disney, is giving me angst. It’s really not at all about him – it’s about me.
In earlier posts, I was trying to embrace all the different parts and personalities that make up Lisa, and as I wrote, it became difficult to distinguish them from each other all of the time, so I sort of let that idea go to the wayside.
But I realize that my anxiety is coming from a struggle between two of my distinctly different “selves.” One is the responsible, in-control, very practical mother, and the other is the romantic, follow-my-heart, vulnerable, sexy woman. For some reason unknown to me at this time, I am afraid to let the latter surface. I want to squish her.
Why is that? What am I afraid of?
“Fun Lisa,” as I’ve fondly referred to her in the past, is not a bad person. She just doesn’t follow all the proper rules of her youth. (Like having sex outside of marriage, for example.) I should clarify here that I don’t mean cheating, I mean having sex as a single person.
When I first realized that I had multiple parts of my Self, I thought there were only two – Good Lisa and Bad Lisa. I noticed that when I spoke with a very dear male friend of mine, my personality would change… it was still me, but only the “pure” parts that I wanted him to see. To this day, I have never allowed him to meet the other side – it doesn’t feel comfortable to me.
Later, (with encouragement from the male friend) I changed Bad Lisa to Fun Lisa, and later still, I realized that I had all different sorts of selves that emerge when I need them and disappear when I don’t.
Another friend of mine recommended a book to me (which I posted about earlier), called “A Population of Selves,” on this exact subject. It’s by Erving Polster, Ph.D. I finally ordered it last week, and I just started reading it today, so I’m hoping to get some more insight into this strange war inside of me.
I used to think the goal was to find my one True Self, which should be Good Lisa, and that she should always be present and overpower any of the other personalities. I used to beat myself up when I couldn’t be her all of the time. But now I believe differently. I think my goal now is to learn how to embrace all of the parts of myself and learn to love and appreciate them exactly as they are without shame or fear.
But it is such a strange feeling when I become aware that one of the selves who has been hiding is ready to come out for awhile. And I am acutely aware of it. It’s a real transformation – like my body is stretching and twisting and contorting itself to accommodate this alien life form. (Oooh… I just had a connection to my pregnancies there… interesting… yes… it’s like giving birth – that’s it.)
I just read over what I’ve written so far, and I sound like I’m drunk or high. I’m neither, except maybe a little spaced-out on sugar.
The discomfort I feel right now is compounded by the deadlines I face with flights and schedules. I get a little panicky when I realize I can’t get out of a commitment I have made. I don’t know why it’s so stressful and uncomfortable for me.
But despite all of this, I am truly looking forward to the weeks ahead, and I know I will wonder why Fun Lisa stayed away so long when she finally does arrive.