A comment from a friend on my previous post sent me into thinking mode this morning.
I’ll refer back to my post about nourishment and belly fat… I automatically connected with my loneliness and lack of employment opportunity when I thought about being denied nourishment. But there is a much, much bigger, more important denial of basic needs in my life, and I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.
Of course, that’s it! My mother does not mother me. She does not nuture me in the way I would like. Since she was born, I have been resentful of my sister, who does receive the attention of both of my parents, but, as I have been reminded, it’s the kind of attention that would smother and kill me, so I guess I’m not missing out on much.
My mom was a wonderful mother in many ways, but as she said, she knew I was smart and self-sufficient, and she figured I didn’t need her so much.
But we worked through some of this through conversations, and I told her I do need her now… that I am feeling stuck here without family or friends, and that she can help out with that by coming to visit now that she is retired.
I had to twist her arm to get her to come in May for some family events. Then she cancelled the trip here for Thanksgiving, leaving me all alone on that important holiday. Meanwhile, all I hear about is my sister and her baby and all of the things that they all do together. They think I’m jealous of my sister because she is married and that I’m jealous about the baby.
Of course, I would not want to be in my sister’s shoes – she can barely manage to do her Christmas shopping in time to get her packages over to my mom’s house, so Mom can box them up and mail them to me. (This year my sister is accompanying Mom to the post office, since her shoulder injury prevents her from lifting too much.) My sister is pushing 40, and I don’t ever remember a box coming to my house directly from her – ever.
Anyway… this is an interesting train of thought today, and I am going to mull it over more.
But I was thinking that perhaps that’s why I get angry when loved ones become sick, because I feel like I’m expected to kick into nuturing overdrive, when I’m still not having my own basic needs filled. I’m tired of taking care of everyone else 24/7. I want to have a turn on the receiving end. (But I don’t want to become sick to receive the attention, so please, dear Universe – no ironic funny stuff, please.)