I just cleaned two big black trash bags full of garbage out of my basement, but I know I’ve barely made a dent in the mess. It feels really good to pitch the stuff, though, and the act of heaving the bulging bags into the dumpster seems like an important part of the process.
Since college, I’ve moved pretty much every two years. The adrenalin of finding a new place and hoping to leave my troubles behind was a nice temporary escape from reality. But I took my Self with me wherever I went, along with truckloads of shit that ensured my past traveled with me to the next house.
This time, I’m ready to let go. I’m letting go.
Today I threw out my favorite diaper bag that I got when Ana was born in 1993. That sure was a great bag. 🙂 Somewhere in the storage area I also have a breast pump bag that I can probably get rid of, too. I had a photo of my baby tucked inside the top, so I could think of her during my pumping sessions to make the milk flow more easily. I was always stressed and could barely collect anything for poor Ana, because every time I saw her picture I felt a tremendous sadness that my life had not turned out like the fairy tale, and I wondered if the man who helped me create her would decide to give up his mistress and participate in our marriage as a husband and father. It pained me to think that I chose a father for her who really didn’t want either of us. Unfortunately, I was still wondering that after Baby #2 – same breast pump bag.
The smallest pieces of insignificant junk hold unbelievable amounts of bad energy and hurt. Hanging on to them because they are still useful or because I have one good memory from them does me more harm than good.
I have shelves full of organization books, but none of them is the perfect solution for me. I’m sort of making up my own process as I go along, and one day I will write it all down and post it here on my blog in hopes of helping someone else who might be “stuck.” I have to believe I’m not the only one who is overwhelmed in a sea of stuff and doesn’t know where to begin.
Okay, break time is over… back to the dungeon I go…