“Worlds Fair” by Esao Andrews

If the Universe has been trying to teach me lessons in my adulthood, the biggest one is probably about how to live peacefully in the present moment without knowing all the answers of tomorrow. My adult life has been filled with crazy situations where I didn’t know what was going on and felt frozen – incapable of moving until I had the full story.

The clearest example of this was in my former marriage. My husband was in and out of the union over the course of 17 years – physically, mentally, and emotionally. He couldn’t quite decide what he wanted and if his future included me. I sat around and put my entire life on hold, because I didn’t know how to function until he figured that out. I needed to know.

(I feel the need to add a disclaimer here, just so you don’t start feeling sorry for me or painting my ex as a complete monster… he’s only part beast; I’m not the easiest person to live with.)

One day I woke up and decided I did know one thing, and it was that I didn’t want to live that way anymore. So I filed for divorce.

After that, my life was still filled with unknowns. Where would I work? Where would I live? Who will I date? Will I remarry? Will I have more children? When will I know?

As I watched myself worry my way to a knotted stomach and a dysfunctional mind a couple of weeks ago, I knew, logically, to stop. But I didn’t really understand what it meant to live in the present moment until a friend reminded me, “but today everything is okay.”

And I stopped – just like that. It was okay. I got it.

Today I still don’t have the final job offer letter in my hands. Today I still don’t know if I qualify for that special mortgage interest rate. I don’t know what I will be doing for the month of May. I don’t know where I’ll be living this summer. I don’t know if I’ll see the Belgian again or continue dating Mr. Nice Guy. Maybe I won’t date anyone, or maybe I’ll meet someone new.

I just don’t know.

But today, everything is okay. The pit in my stomach is filled with an unexplained peacefulness.

And I don’t have to be stuck. I don’t have to put my life on hold. I am selecting kitchen appliances and reading consumer reports. I bought some bundles of moving boxes and today I am going to start sorting and packing up things in the basement and storage area. I went to the paint store and I’m mulling over paint colors. I have the floor plan of the new house and I’m making a list of what belongs where.

I know it’s time to move. Exactly when and exactly where remain unknown. But I’ll be ready.

No more feeling stuck… this train is leaving the station, headed for anywhere but Limbo Town. That’s the part I know for sure.

2 Comments on “Learning to Live in Limbo

  1. I’m also learning to accept a life where I don’t have all the answers (for many things) in order to live fully and have a sense of purpose now. Anyway, I enjoyed this post … enough so that I’ve subscribed to your RSS feed!

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  2. Brenda, What a pleasure it is to “meet” you. I appreciate your comment.I was delighted to follow your link back to your blog, < HREF="http://www.enroute365.com/" REL="nofollow">Enroute 365<>, and find such a gem of a site. I’ve much to learn.Lisa

    Like

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