My head feels gooey and gloppy inside – like all my thoughts which were previously spinning have gotten caught up in a huge mud bath, and now they can barely move. I have an annoying amount of congestion – just enough to make my glands tender and my ears hurt a little. I’m sneezing a lot.
Whenever I start to feel less than perky, I have to look at why I’m not taking better care of myself.
For one thing, my food is shit right now. I was going to say “terrible,” but “shit” is the right word. I want junk – lots of junk. And not just chocolate, either, I’ve noticed. I want fried chicken and stringy, cheesy things. I want salt. I want chips (I never eat chips). I would eat a healthful salad if someone made it for me, but I’m too lazy to do it.
I’m to the point where I’m coming out of the food fog, and I’m considering eating better once again, but I can’t quite make the full commitment. Yesterday I went food shopping and came home with half fruits and veggies and half pure junk. No commitment.
I haven’t been to the gym since… well, I can’t remember. No plans to go – I’m bucking the “should’s” completely. You can’t make me go.
I’m staying up too late. I’m not sleeping as well as I usually do, mostly because my mental task list is way too big for my head, and I wake up with anxiety throughout the night. I want to nap during the day, but I won’t let myself.
My house needs some attention.
I feel agitated even though things are going well – no, things are going great, actually. Amazing things are happening, and I am in the middle of a miracle. I know that, and I’m grateful; yet, the upcoming changes and decisions I have to make are terrifying.
Somehow I think that my choices are so important that the world lives or dies by them. I have fooled myself into thinking I have that kind of control. What an egomaniac. I hear Grace’s voice in my head saying, “Lisa, there is no right or wrong – whatever choice you make is okay.” That’s somewhat comforting to me, and I think she’s right. Where’s my Magic 8 Ball?
But the biggest voice I hear this week is the voice of my good friend, AJS, who always says to me, “Just watch it.” Whenever I feel confused or stuck, or when I think I have to do something to get out of the muck, he says, “Just watch it.” I don’t have to do anything – I don’t. I only have to “be.” I don’t have to fight my way out of the mud. In fact, maybe if I stop flailing around, I’ll find some solid ground right under my feet.