I have a mixed bag of emotions this week. Aside from feeling worried and stressed and agitated about the life-changing decisions before me, I also feel a wonderful sense of calmness and serenity at the base of it all. I guess that’s a good thing.
As I try to consider where the stress part is coming from, and what makes it so that I cannot relax and fully accept the gifts I’ve been given without fear, I think it boils down to regrets. If I did not have a past filled with scenarios that leave me thinking, “if only I had…” or “If only I hadn’t…” maybe I wouldn’t be so concerned about my choices.
Wasn’t it a poor choice to marry a man I barely knew? Wasn’t it a poor choice for us to bring a baby into a very rocky marriage? Wasn’t it even worse to have another? And another? And what about the moves… If only I had never agreed to leave DC, I would not be trapped here in NJ right now.
But then, on the other side of my mind where the quiet place is, I think everything is exactly as it should be. Everything so far has taught me things and brought me things, and I wouldn’t trade my three kids for any rational decision in the world. And I think that any choice I make is really okay, and that my life will be better for it.
In the quiet place, I’m filled up with gratitude that the Universe is putting things in front of my face and making this so very easy. I really don’t have to make very many decisions, after all. I just need to keep moving. I just need to take the next step – put one foot in front of the other. I’m tired of being paralyzed with fear and not going anywhere.
Even the new house that is before me at this time is relatively decision-free. The options have been selected and can’t be changed. There is nothing for me to do except sign the papers and pack boxes. I know how to do that. God knows, I know how to do that.
In an ideal world, I would not be buying my first house as a single person and starting a new job after not working for 10 years all at the same time. But that’s what’s in my lap at the moment. And, after all, my landlord is pushing me out, so this must be the right time to move. I don’t have a lot of choice about that.
I am concerned most of all about my children and how all of this will affect them. Changing schools is not easy. We will be slightly further away from their father. My brain will be focused on things outside the home with the new job. Scheduling will be more difficult. But I see great rewards for them in this new neighborhood. Even if the people turn out to be not-so-friendly, the kids will have more freedom and more mobility there than they do here on these isolated, winding country roads.
Change is so frightening for me, but I do have a part that thrives on the adrenalin. I’m trying to stay as calm as I can. No need to add any more stress to the situation.
This is my chance to do it differently… to move towards something instead of away from something. I think I’m ready.
I can’t believe this is happening. 🙂