Yesterday felt like an entire weekend. I was up relatively early and off to the soccer field with my son for a game in the misty rain with a temperature of 50 degrees. Ugh. I’m most definitely not a soccer mom; I spent half the time in my car with the heater running.

The rest of my morning was spent arguing via email with my ex, who was insisting on taking the last week in July (my proposed moving date) as vacation with the kids. I asked them, and the kids want to participate in the move, not come home from seeing Dad’s girlfriend and find out they live somewhere new. He really let me have it – berating me in his usual style and twisting and turning every detail to make the entire conflict my fault. Though he agitated me greatly, I didn’t fall for the blame this time, and I didn’t even try to argue it with him. I kept my comments short and to the point.

Behind his hostility is fear and anger. I think he’s more comfortable seeing me as “just” a stay-at-home mom with no career potential, and as a sad, lonely woman who is dependent on him for financial support and can barely afford four walls and a roof over my head. (No matter that his children live with me.) I’m expecting a full melt-down the first time he pulls into my new driveway to get the kids.

After that (we finally won in the end, after I threatened to involve the courts), the kids and I set off on an adventure to explore the potential new neighborhood and surrounding areas.

“My” house is coming along quickly. I found an unlocked door and let myself in. The floors are completely finished, covered with a layer of flattened cardboard boxes taped together for protection. The cabinets and tubs are in. The walls are painted; the light fixtures working.

I stood in the middle of the gigantic master bedroom and cried from happiness.

The kids played on the playground across the street where I got to know the neighbor whose backyard bumps up against mine. I like her. Added bonus: no New York accent.

We found the local schools and peeked in the windows. The kids did a lap or two around the beautiful track at the high school stadium. Two of them are 100% ready. My oldest is concerned about changing schools, and I am trying to ease her into that. We thought we could keep her in her current high school (which is only about 10 minutes away from the new place), but it looks like transportation would be a unresolved issue. She is my biggest concern about the move at the moment.

Last night I couldn’t sleep; I was moving into the house and decorating it in my mind. I think I finally fell asleep around 3:00 a.m. with a broad grin on my face, which is involuntary whenever I think about actually living there.

Today we are off to Ikea to dream and imagine our new rooms, and I’m going to call the new home sales office and tell them I’ll be there tomorrow with a check in hand.

3 Comments on “Decision Time

  1. I just had to leave a comment about this post. This was me about three years ago. My divorce left me feeling empty and somewhat alone. Moving into something new, a new house in your case, can go a long way to take your mind off personal troubles. I’ve been where you are right now. Although my ex and I are somewhat amicable in our infrequent chats, it is still hard to forgive and forget. In order for me to move on with my life, I had to forgive and forget what she did. My very wishes, hopes and prayers go out to you in this time.

    Like

  2. Hi, David. Thanks for the comment. I’d be interested to know why you think I haven’t moved on with my life or forgiven my ex for past problems.My own perception of myself (which could well be wrong) is that I have moved on, finally, and that I wasn’t ready for a new house or a new job until I had left at least most of my past behind. I didn’t want to “take my mind off my troubles.” I wanted to face them, square in the eye, and deal with them.I know I still have anger about some things in the past, but for the most part, I think the stress I have with my ex is the ongoing attempts by him to control me. And while I do feel alone a lot of the time, I certainly do not feel empty. On the contrary, I feel filled up with good stuff that I wonder if I deserve.Am I way off-base with my self-assessment? Anyone? Anyone? 🙂

    Like

  3. Wow – was I ever way off with my self-assessment. lol

    I was nowhere near being over my divorce upset – nowhere near a state of forgiveness or being present and alive.

    Time heals all wounds. Mine are finally scabbing over.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: