I hate Survival Mode.

I’m in it.

Well, maybe I’m not completely immersed, but I’m moving from one day to the next with some gritty determination and numbing out by staying busy.

I’ve had moments of Real Life – of Living. Moments in the car, driving somewhere on a relatively empty, smooth highway bordered by green trees with full Summer leaves, playing my favorite songs on the radio and letting the music fill me up… noticing the blue sky and the white puffy clouds that make me feel dizzy to watch them swirl and dance so far away… feeling hot sand between my toes and the familiar stinging of sensitive skin spent too long in the strong sun…

I have tasted good food and enjoyed textures and flavors to their fullest… enjoyed the sensation of a sturdy, comfortable rocking chair on my new front porch in the moonlight, star-watching and breathing deeply, making myself almost dizzy as I put my head back and rock…

I’ve sweat a million drops of salty sweat, moving and arranging my boxed-up life. A memory will come suddenly, triggered by an old paper or a long-lost treasure, then vanish into thin air as I snap back to the reality of the here and now in this strange new house I now call home.

But it isn’t home – not yet.

I walk the long way around to the bathroom because my body doesn’t automatically remember where it is. The spatulas are always in the last kitchen drawer. And I just now stopped mooching off my neighbor’s wireless internet connection and set up my own router.

It smells funny.

I have yet to find a place to plop down and comfortably watch television or surf the net. These new spaces feel strange and awkward. My pantry is a mess. So much to do… constantly in motion…

Kids’ activities have begun – trips to ball fields and practices… trips to the local recycling bins with another load of packing materials… another trip to Home Depot for some doo-dad either lost in the move or required for something new.

But…

Fresh Jersey corn from a local stand… friendly neighbors who wave and smile… miles of sidewalks… benches in the park… clean, fresh air with the prettiest views around… winding roads through unspoiled farmlands… happy kids… tail-wagging dog…

Sighing, grateful mother, who is still waiting to get settled – Someday – and Surviving the best she can.

2 Comments on “Survival Mode

  1. Oh, I’m so glad to hear from you. I thought you must be busy unpacking, but it’s nice to hear from you nonetheless. Even if it is to hear that you aren’t 100% settled yet. I’ve lived in my place for just over 1 year and I’m not 100% settled yet either. lol.

    Like

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