My sex drive is completely unpredictable.
Today, I was driving home from work in the car and nearly had an orgasm in the middle of 295 just thinking about sex. But for 6 months, I can disconnect and rarely think of it at all (and not miss it too much, either).
What triggers that? Hormones?
I’ve always seemed to have a higher drive than the men in my life, or else the men have been geographically unavailable for any consistency. I remember one night, about 2 months into my marriage, and my husband didn’t seem interested in fooling around. The next day I bravely broached the subject, asking him if something was wrong. He sternly told me, “Now we’re in the real world, and in the real world, people have responsibilities, and they don’t just have sex all the time.” Okay then.
Sex has always been this elusive mystery to me. When I was a kid, my church taught me it was evil unless you were married, so I spent my teenage years pushing my feelings away and trying to be a “good” girl. Then I finally got to give in to my feelings, but my husband sadly seemed to have some “real world” ideas about sex, and I was lucky to get laid once a month. For 17 years I remained faithful to him and tried to flip my switch on and off at will. Mostly, I’ve just been frustrated.
I’ve always had this nagging feeling that my weight issues are tied into the sex thing. What would happen if I really felt sexy and had the opportunity to be with an available man for consistent sensual fun? Am I afraid of how great that might be? If I keep some extra pounds on, then maybe I’ll be able to keep that switch in the “off” position. Maybe I won’t be so frustrated. Maybe I’ll just feel like a fat, dead fish. Dead fish don’t have sex.
And look at me now… I dropped 4 pounds, and I was ready to hump the gear shift in the car, for godssakes.
What will happen if I lose the other 20 I’d like to get rid of? Maybe, just maybe, I’m feeling brave enough to find out.
Thoughts become reality. I’m thinking I want some hot, steamy, passionate sex. Regularly. Yes, that’s it. Get this fat suit off of me and bring it on, baby!