I felt like shit this past weekend. Truly. Still do. I waffle between trying to find a way out of my funk and settling into it like a comfortable pair of old sweats.

I thought a lot about my marriage and my continued abusive relationship with my ex. Is there any way out? Are there more lessons for me to learn? How exactly did I get myself into this mess?

My best friend said she could never understand how I could have ever loved him. I told her how he swept me off my feet from the very first date – he put me on an Amtrak train from DC to Penn Station (my first train ride), met me in NYC with a yellow rose, introduced me to his father who kindly took my weekend luggage, then took me to a wonderful Italian dinner and the broadway show, Les Miserables. After that we went back to his parents’ place (his home) and had a fabulous weekend. I was hooked.

I’ve been reading up on narcissism… that’s the only explanation that makes sense to me to define the insanity of our relationship. But somehow that disorder seems like an easy excuse for someone who’s really just an ass. But can someone really be that much of an ass? And so it goes…

I’m sitting here, forty pounds over my wedding-day weight, wondering how I got here and if I can ever escape.

I left him physically and legally. Now how the hell do I extricate the rest of my Self?

Body/Mind scan: I want to lose weight. I want to eat. I want to have wonderful sex. I want my ex to leave me alone. I want to do nothing. I want to decorate my house. My stiff neck is still a little sore. My throat hurts a little. I want to dance. I’m scared that the holidays will be difficult. I’m scared that I won’t lose my weight. I love my cuddly dog and my yellow family room. My bedroom still doesn’t feel comfortable to me. My fingernails are all splitting. I’m so grateful for my house. Writing makes me feel better.

2 Comments on “Les Miserables

  1. Please get a copy of WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS… it will explain A LOT of what you are feeling and going thru.If you can’t afford it – get your local library to get you a copy!


  2. My now-ex and I saw Les Mis as our marriage was going down the tubes.It appears to be a play that speaks to people in new relationships and relationships that are on the verge of implosion.


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