This is one of those icky days, when my emotions started off okay and then got spun around by Mr. N/A till I felt dizzy and sick and mad at myself for dancing the dance instead of sitting it out.
I still wish he would’ve just loved me. I wish he could love me now, even if we are divorced. I wish he could be soft and gentle and kind to me. That’s what I always wanted. I’ve wanted that since our second month of marriage.
Somehow I thought that if I could just control my anger and my reactions to his bad behavior… if I could just stay soft when he is not, then maybe he would love me. He just doesn’t. My behavior is irrelevant, unless I kiss his ass. Sometimes that works – for a little while.
I’m exhausted from the fight. I sound like a broken record; I know it, but one day maybe I will drown in all of this nonsense. I just don’t know if I can keep going like this. My schedule consumes me; normal daily life is hard enough as it is. He makes it unbearable at times. The voices in my head say it’s my fault for allowing him to “get to me.”
Please, please… will someone tell me how in the hell to turn it all off?
I am going to the gym tomorrow, to continue my new habit, and in hopes that taking care of my body and my stress level is going to allow me to manage the rest of the bullshit more effectively.
I hate him and I pity him all at once. I just can’t convince myself that he’s truly the animal he appears to be… I was taught to see the good in everyone, and to know that hurt people hurt people.
It’s like someone is trying to saw off each of my limbs with a butter knife. I’ve had enough. I’m so tempted to just close my eyes and quietly bleed to death.