Step right up, folks. That’s right… for the bargain price of just $600, you too can get an official document from the Catholic Church which annuls your previous marriage and states that it was never valid in the eyes of God. Seventeen years and three kids? No problem. Just slip us a little extra and we’ll make the system work for you. Unfortunately, during this economic crisis where some of you are unable to feed your families, we are unable to provide any discounts because we need your money. People just aren’t shelling out at Mass like they used to.
Need grounds? Try admitting your infidelity (especially if your ex didn’t know) and stating that you never intended to be married to the other person forever… that way, you get the added bonus of hurting your ex-spouse even further in the process! What a deal. Then you can haul your ass to confession and still be right with God.
Act now, because every passing Sunday you go without being qualified to take the sacrament of communion is another risky week that could end up with your ass in Hell. Get that heavenly insurance by paying off the church and bastardizing your children getting your papers in order.
See you at Easter…