I prefer honesty to plastic smiles and bullshit.

But writing about the truth of my sad dating life right now says I buy into the idea that being divorced is more miserable than being married, and I do not want to admit that. Although, being divorced from this particular man is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever experienced.

I just saw Keith’s comment come through on my Frustrating Dating post, and amazingly enough, I was preparing to announce that I did indeed start the dialog with Local Guy already.

I endured another painful morning awakening, as my restful, ambivalent body tied itself slowly back into knots, and the feelings of inadequacy and sadness dawned on me and shined into every crevice of my mind. I am under a ridiculous amount of stress right now. The last thing I need is a relationship problem with a person I barely know.

I’ve considered talking to him. Maybe I would tell him we needed to talk and I would go to see him in person. Maybe I would write out a lengthy email describing my experience and my feelings. I visualized going along without comment until one day I exploded at him in an emotional bomb of tears. None of these seemed right.

This morning in the shower I reflected on my past relationships and remembered that the only way I know how to share my feelings is to cry and express my disappointment, which usually led to the other person being defensive and ultimately tuning me out, while chalking the whole episode up to PMS or too much chocolate. Not a good impression if I want a fifth date. But I still want to be honest and to be myself.

I sat down to write an email, because I have better control of my emotions and expression. I settled on something logical, honest, and to-the-point:

I’ve been wrestling with whether or not to bring this up or just wait and see how things go. But I’m impatient and very blunt sometimes…

Are you interested in pursuing this match? I’m getting confusing signals from you.

And by god, I got a reply. He gave me a plausible explanation related to fears arising from a past experience.

Not sure if a fifth date is in store or not just yet, but at least we are having a real discussion about something other than the snow, even if it is via email.

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