Yesterday, all of my stresses of the week came to an ugly head, and I had to make some hard decisions in order to survive.
It occurred to me that my despair and feelings of inadequacy with regard to the world of relationships stem from my insistence on continuing the journey when it’s already very clear to my heart that the other person is “just not that into me.” That’s what I feel badly about – not that the other person doesn’t seem to care, but that I care so little about myself that I’m willing to stick around for more pain.
Another revelation I came to this morning is that when things don’t make sense to me, then probably it’s because I’m not getting the real story. Truth doesn’t feel bad. Truth doesn’t make my stomach hurt. Truth resonates somewhere deep inside, and even if it’s not what I want to hear, it makes sense and settles well. Trying to get to the truth with a person who isn’t being truthful is exhausting.
I told Local Guy that the email exchanges have been nice, but they aren’t enough to hold my interest.
It doesn’t make any sense to me why he continues to email me but doesn’t seem too excited to date me.
It crossed my mind that perhaps my ex hired him to torture me. You know, my dog has been sick ever since he met Local Guy last Saturday. I’ve narrowed it down to his daily treats, which I will store in the garage for future lab testing, if necessary.
Sanity eludes me, but my quest for Truth continues.