Dating websites exhaust me and make me want to give up on the entire male gender. This week, I met “LovePuppies,” who is about 200 pounds overweight and happens to have 10 dogs. Then there was the 57-year-old widower whose first email to me was all about his wife. And of course, an online dating episode would never be complete without meeting that “perfect” guy, feeling my hopes rise like little champagne bubbles, only to find out he wants to tell me about his plan to be financially independent in 6 months.


There were many others, but it’s just too painful to recall.

One guy is convinced he has a date with me tomorrow evening, but I’m getting the feeling he just hopes to get laid, so I probably won’t meet him. He seemed okay when we chatted online, but then he sent me 6 more photos of himself (eyes rolling).

Instead of categorizing guys by their marital status, I think we should start using these:

Party Boy – Spends his time bar-hopping and usually has a job that doesn’t interfere with his morning hangover.

Spammer – Wants your email address or wants to get you to his website. Has no picture, and usually can’t spell worth a shit because English is his second language. Insists that you send your email address so he can send you photos.

Entrepreneur – This guy will have a “too-good-to-be-true” photo. Believe me, it is. He won’t waste any time telling you about his get-rich-quick scheme, because he’s too fucking greedy to be patient.

Charmer – Has real potential but can’t be in a relationship. You can usually hear a softer side to him and think you’ll be the one to change him, but all he is able to do is hop from one bed to another.

Baby – The 20-something-year-old who has heard that 40-something-year-old women are great in bed. He tries to convince you that he is mature for his age or that age is just a number.

Old Timer – This guy sometimes lies about his age just to get you to look, and later reveals that he is much older but keeps himself in “great shape.” I’ll be the judge of that, thank you very much.

Other – These are the guys I just don’t get.

(Oh, god, Friday Boy just sent me another photo of himself at the gym, saying he’s workin’ it to look good tomorrow night.)

Maybe I should start dating girls.

4 Comments on “Online Dating, Rewritten

  1. I’ve never understood the “workin’ it to look good tomorrow night” people. Guys or girls. If you’re so close to perfect that you can reach perfection in that last night before we meet … you’re probably OK now. Take a break. Have a sandwich. I don’t want you to be exhausted to the point you fall asleep during dinner. (If she falls asleep during dinner I don’t want to have any doubts. I want to know it’s because I bored her to death.)


  2. What happened to local guy? You’ll meet a guy when you are least expecting too. You’ll be out walking your dog with your hair a mess and wearing some ugly sweats and meet the guy of your dreams. Your trying too hard and analyzing things way too much. Relax it will happen. I know what a great girl you are. Just be yourself, let your guard down a little (not too much). Now I’m rambling:)


  3. Delmer, you crack me up, my friend.Anon, I renamed the Local Guy to Broken Penis guy, and I let him go for obvious reasons. He seemed to have no sex drive whatsoever.


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