After somewhat sanely surviving a divorce, two moves, and a new job over the past 3 years, my emotions are fighting their way back to the surface. They’re big. And they’re loud.

Tuesday was a bad day… a very bad day. I couldn’t control my tears at the office, had a complete meltdown, and promptly went home. I cried into the afternoon and evening, though I tried very hard to contain myself after the kids got home from school. But when my best friend called to check on me that night, the tears came once again. My son, who normally extracts himself from uncomfortable situations by immersing himself in a video game, came over to me and put his tiny arm around my shoulders.

He looked into my eyes and asked, “Are you okay, Mommy?”

I said, “Yes, honey, I am okay. I’m just not feeling very well today, but I’ll feel better soon.”

He went back to his Legos, but mused out loud, “You never cry on the phone. Three times you’ve cried on the phone – twice at this house, and once at the number 4 house.” He identifies our homes with the street address number.

I thought about that.

When the girls were small, it was a normal day for me to be on the phone for hours, sobbing and crying and trying the whole time to convince the kids that I was okay. This little guy only remembered three times. I think that’s pretty good. I think that’s progress. I sorta felt a little bit better after that.

I feel hopeless, I feel omnipotent. It does not depend so much on life’s circumstances, but rather, which voice in my brain is winning the mental battles for the moment. The can’ts, the should’s, the you-can’t-do-anything-right’s… or the trust-me’s, the you-are-loved’s, and the all-things-work-together-for-good’s. They’re all in there, along with their friends, having a knock-down, drag-out on a daily basis.

If not my own thoughts, yours can actually have an impact on me as well. My lawyer was grouchy on Tuesday, which promptly sent me into a tail spin.

So, I took my mental health day on Tuesday, and yesterday, I worked from home, regrouped, then did 5 loads of laundry and 7 miles (yes, that’s right) on my treadmill, and deep-conditioned my hair. Today I got a manicure at lunch.

I may be down, but I’m not out.

Next round…

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