“The law is reason, free from passion.”

~ Aristotle

I loved this quote in Legally Blonde, but I have a new version: “The law is reason, free from justice.”

As a little girl, I learned the basics about the law… respect the police, who are here to help and protect you, and admire the judges, whose wisdom ensures justice for all.

What a crock.

The law binds us, it does not free us.

This morning, I took time off of work, asked a neighbor to help get my son to school, and stressed a million stresses in order to make it to the courthouse in my former county of residence by 9:00 a.m. By 9:05, it was all over. His lawyer performed her act, then mine did his. The judge interjected a few words which did not sound particularly favorable to me, then said he’d rule by next Tuesday.

I don’t want to write too many details here, mainly because I’m exhausted in rehashing them, but also because it’s not finished yet. Let’s just say I owe him some money, which I did write about here, and he wants the court to tell me I’ve been a “bad girl” for two other ridiculous, nonsense things, which I will be happy to share a little later. Maybe I mentioned them in passing.

Perhaps the biggest disappointment to me is that all during the divorce process, the court officials stressed hard that they only had the children’s “best interest” at heart. The parents’ squabbles didn’t matter. Today, I felt that the judge abandoned my kids with his comments, and that the only thing on his mind was the letter of the black and white law and Mr. N/A’s “rights.”

I want so much to be a good mother. I don’t think I was when the girls were younger. I was so caught up in my own marital drama, trying to survive day to day, and my kids didn’t have anyone in their corner. So I’m trying to make up for that now. I’m trying to weigh things out and stay vigilant and listen. I want to be an advocate for them, especially with their father, whom they greatly fear and dread. They are children of alcoholism, and they need to know someone is looking out for them. They need someplace safe and comforting to go to when things get overwhelming. They need to know they have a voice, and that they matter.

Even if everything else goes poorly for me with the judge, I do hope I will get the mandated family counseling relief I have requested.

This weekend I plan to work in my yard and spend time with the kids watching movies, riding bikes, and going through boxes in the garage (they can’t wait for that one.) Hopefully, this powerful headache will eventually subside, and I will be able to enjoy my life and not hate too much or too long.

More later when the fog clears…

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