I feel like a million bucks.
The court case with Mr. N/A did not go well for me, from my point of view. I wanted someone with power to tell him he was an ass. I wanted the judge to punish him for being a dick with a penalty so stiff, he would never again try to pull one over on me.
Since the ruling, my life has changed. I’ve decided that although I may never “win” the battles with Mr. N/A, I can “win” in my own mind. And really, isn’t that all there is? I know I’m acting with my children’s best interest in mind, and for that, I will not apologize.
Winning means being me.
Being true to myself means I have to end the charade of being Miss People Pleaser. I wanted to have an amicable divorce. I tried. I worked at it. But, much like our marriage, Mr. N/A did not try. He did not work.
I am finished with that personality. I no longer need her or want her in my life. She is melting away with the pounds of fat that are dissolving from my body weekly. Fifteen down… 20 to go.
And as Miss People Pleaser fades, I see more of my authentic self, and I kinda like her.
So, each goading email I receive from him now gets run through a quick filter. If the subject is not on the following list, I simply ignore him:
- Financial obligations per the property settlement
- Children’s education
- Children’s health
- Custody/visitation arrangements
I don’t like to ignore people, and it feels really strange. But the relief outweighs the discomfort of it. I don’t have to answer questions like “where’s Joey’s crucifix” and “are you having a birthday party for Joey?” Any answer I would possibly give would simply open up a string of unwanted communication, with plenty of opportunities for him to do his bullying thing.
A friend I haven’t seen in a couple of years recently told me I looked great – better than I did before at a lower weight. He said I look “shinier, or something.”
I feel shiny. I feel new. I feel like I’m finally coming out of this fat suit – out of the divorce fog – out of the sticky mire of an abusive relationship – and I am discovering a new layer underneath the mess that’s fresh and happy and…
Shining. I like that word.