I still feel pretty good, although the weather has been disgusting for May. I’m freezing.

I find myself in the “just do it” zone right now. Exercise, planning meals, household chores, phone calls, appointments, shopping trips… I’m plodding away at them and trying to mark things off my list before it becomes completely unmanageable.

The one thing I’m not doing is having sex. Too bad for me. I decided to go off of my birth control pills and save myself some money, since I’m obviously not using them to prevent babies.

Sometimes I’m really okay with not having a sexual partner. Other days, it’s all I think about. The one thing I do know for sure is that hooking up with someone (even if it’s someone I care about) without having the whole “relationship” package makes me feel really icky. I don’t want to feel icky.

So… here I am… a forty-something-year-old single mom of three… without a partner for sex, or yard work, or… well, that’s pretty much all Mr. N/A did. I have always managed the rest on my own. And, by the way, he didn’t even fill the sex duty very well, so mostly I’m just missing out on someone to cut the grass, which I don’t really mind doing myself.

He continues to email me about ridiculous things; I continue to ignore him.

My dating life is dismal (hence, the end of birth-control). This month was particularly disappointing, as 3 1/2 dates have fallen through since Mother’s Day. One guy emailed me for weeks and finally I agreed to meet him for a drink on a certain date at a certain time. He never got back to me to mention the location, and I never heard from him again. I had told him he reminded me of my former husband; they even shared the same first name. I guess they had more than a name in common.

The next fiasco was really my fault, I guess. A creative-type writer and musician had asked me to meet him for a drink in Princeton one Friday. I agreed. We still needed to discuss the time and place. I waited… and waited. Finally, I checked my Sent box for my last email, and couldn’t find it. I assume I never clicked Send. I emailed him and apologized. He said he never got the mail, but that he had a plumbing emergency at home and would have had to cancel anyway. Go figure.

The third dating disaster happened just yesterday. About a month ago, a very attractive man asked me if I would like to meet for a drink. At the time, I was going through the pains of the court case with Mr. N/A, and I asked him for a rain check. He said sure, although I wasn’t sure if I would hear from him again. Sure enough, on Saturday, he wrote and asked if I was ready for that drink yet. I wrote back on Wednesday and said yes. He emailed me yesterday (Thursday) with the following note:

Hey,

I am now dating someone so the drink will have to wait until I see how things turn out.

Matt

What the hell is that? In the span of 4 days he found someone he wanted to date exclusively?

The “half” of 3 1/2 is yet to be determined. The man I most wanted to meet asked me out on the 10th for a dinner date on the 30th. (We both had busy schedules and I had the kids.) I didn’t hear from him at all last week – he wrote on Wednesday and then again yesterday (a week later). His email was short and friendly, but he hasn’t mentioned anything at all about tomorrow night. We had agreed to meet for dinner in Philly, and he was going to choose the restaurant. I guess there’s still time for him to come through, but at this point, my interest has faded, and I’m not sure I want to go at all.

Sigh…

I miss the Belgian (who remains silent).

Mr. Nice Guy and I have been discussing some summer plans, but again… I don’t really want to get wrapped up in something that involves a 6-hour flight for dinner and a movie. I’m not quite sure what to do about that.

In other news, my weight is still coming off – slowly but surely. I have to wear a belt, and I bought smaller jeans last weekend. I’m attending WW regularly, and I am running up a storm on that treadmill, so I feel very good about that.

I guess I’m sort of stuck in a place somewhere between optimistic hopefulness and realistic disappointment.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep doin’ it. One day at a time…

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