My divorce has been final for nearly 4 years now, and I think I’ve effectively demonstrated that I can survive without a significant male in my daily life. I mow my own grass, I drill my own holes in the wall, I plant my own bushes, and I wash my own car. I can navigate the aisles at Home Depot with relative ease. I’ve put furniture together and hung blinds and strung Christmas lights from the gutters outside. I change the furnace filters. I kill the clover. I am the trash and recyclables taker-outer. I cook on the grill I put together. I have my own IRA, 401k, and stock holdings. I negotiated a hell of a deal on my new car, too.

I can handle it.

Big whoop-dee-doo.

When I was little, society taught me that I needed a husband. Now all I hear is that I really didn’t need one after all, and that I’m not complete unless I can learn to be content without a soul mate.

Obviously, I don’t need a man to survive. I don’t require one in my home in order to function.

But I’m really, really missing one.

Something is out of balance in my house. I want some male energy here. I want him to be in the driver’s seat, while I just quietly ride along. I want him to be on top, while I feel ravaged and surrender myself under his strong body. I don’t want to be in control all of the time, even if it’s only an illusion.

There would still be plenty of opportunities for me to take charge here at home. I don’t think having a man around would deny me that.

When I turn all of this over in my head, it leads me to believe that maybe I’m ready for a serious relationship, but when I try to imagine letting someone get that close… close enough to share my space and my soul and my kids and my life… I just don’t know. Maybe I’ll never be ready for that.

Will I be able to spot a fake? Can I ever trust my gut again? Will he still like me after he realizes what a bitch I really am? What if it’s not a good match with my kids? Won’t it just cause additional issues and stress in my home? What if I feel trapped?

And, of course, this “decision” to have a relationship does not take into consideration the fact that there’s no one I want to date here. But, I do believe that my future begins with my thoughts, and that as long as I am unsure about what I want, then I most certainly will not find it.

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