I’ve shut down my online dating profiles while I continue to see the Rock Star. As I’ve said, it’s a curious experiment that leaves me in unknown territory.
For example, the other night, he went home sick from work, and told me he was shaky and feverish and planning to go to the doctor the next day. You may know that I do not have a Nurturing Nurse personality type anywhere inside of myself. It just doesn’t exist. But before I knew it, I had told him I was heading out later on a dog-food emergency, and did he need anything from the store? I didn’t expect him to say yes. He wanted medicine and iced tea. I ran into the grocery, grumbling under my breath that I was being stupid for doing this for him. Why should I be so fucking nice? He hasn’t seemed overly concerned with my needs so far. I berated myself for being a flaming codependent, and I headed to the freezer section for one of his favorite ice creams I’d heard him mention before.
I drove to his house with the goodies, and I was shocked at the response… he was grateful. He thanked me numerous times (sincerely) and told me I was so sweet to take care of him. I was a stranger in a foreign land.
I used to be a kind, giving person. Really. But living with a narcissist put an end to that. After years of shopping multiple stores weekly to satisfy all of Mr. N/A’s ridiculous food requests, I finally blew my top one day and told him to get his own “fucking turkey.” (The Fucking Turkey story was definitely a pivotal point in that relationship.)
So here I was, being nice… going out of my way for another person, and I didn’t know how to handle it when he didn’t ask me why I bought Tin Roof Sundae instead of Rocky Road.
I was thinking that maybe the purpose of this relationship is to teach me how to be caring and giving again. I’ve really lost that part of myself, and I know it’s a necessary part of a healthy relationship. Part of my hesitation with Mr. Nice Guy was that I knew I was entirely too selfish to be with such a generous man. Consequently, I ridiculed his giving nature in my mind and told myself it wasn’t masculine.
I’m still in the raised-eyebrow stage with the Rock Star, but he sure is nice, and I’ve enjoyed our time together. His band performs this weekend down the shore, and I’m really looking forward to seeing him in action. Later this month, they hit the infamous Stone Pony in Asbury Park, where Springsteen used to jam with local NJ musicians. I can’t wait for that.
Maybe I’ll even be nice.