So, the Rock Star had a big show at The Stone Pony in Asbury Park last weekend. The crowd was sparse on a rainy October night compared to the presumably packed house at the Jersey shore in the warm summer months, but nevertheless, the boys played their hearts out and had the onlookers dancing and shouting for “one more song” at the end of their set.
I felt really proud to be the bassist’s date.
It’s been a real roller-coaster ride with him so far. I waffle between ambivalence, admiration, and aversion from moment to moment.
Since this is my first local relationship since my divorce 4 years ago (and I originally dated him long-distance, too, so maybe it’s been over 20 years since I dated anyone nearby), I feel like I need to give it some time in order to distinguish the real challenges from those heavy trunks of emotional baggage I’ve been carrying around. It’s not easy.
And I still haven’t introduced him to my children, so it hasn’t even gotten to the real-life stage yet. I’m still trying to figure out if he’s good for me.
My brain and gut are working as a team, soaking up information I see and hear and feel and know, turning it around and around, matching it up with data already processed, and filing it away for future analysis. I subconsciously keep a running detailed mental diary of everything that comes out of his mouth in order to check for inconsistencies (thank you very much, Mr. N/A).
And then there’s the sex-drive thing.
I’m not sure what to do about that. We don’t seem to be a big match in that area, but I keep reminding myself that one of my big problems is that I get codependently attached to inappropriate men too quickly because of my craving for physical attention, and that maybe it’s actually better to move slowly. One of the qualities I like about the Rock Star is that he is sensitive and values emotional and spiritual connections, and that maybe he is lugging his own trunks around and isn’t quite ready to trust and be completely vulnerable with me. He definitely has a sex drive – it’s just a little different from mine. But maybe I’m the anomaly.
I’m trying to remember to maintain my boundaries around non-negotiable things and to find refuge behind them for the scary things I’m still unsure about. At the same time, I want to be a little bit flexible and willing to step outside my comfort zone to try a new behavior pattern or experience. Right now, I think all I can manage is to lick my finger and stick it out to check the direction of the wind.