One of my friends asked me yesterday if I could let go of my thoughts and ideas about what was going to happen today and just let whatever would be, be. I wasn’t sure if I could.
About halfway through today’s meeting, I felt my entire body relax. (Maybe my mom had her prayer hot-line going.) I felt calm and serene and a little warm and fuzzy.
After the meeting, I spoke with the devil, against my better judgment, because it seemed like the right thing to do.
We had a warm, wonderful, co-parenting, adult conversation about our three children. We had a moment.
I was moved, perhaps more so than I ever have been since the divorce. He apologized for the Mother’s Day Memo and said he didn’t mean to insult me, though I did not respond, since I don’t believe for a second that he intended no ill will with that.
He raised his right hand and smiled his charming smile and promised to try harder to get along.
I had an out-of-body (or out-of-mind, perhaps) experience, and I watched myself hug him and kiss him on the cheek. Did I really do that?
I pondered all of this after I got home, and I’ve come to a few conclusions.
My mistake, I think, is that when we were married and had moments like this, I believed he was completely reformed and that everything would be okay from that point on. Then he would turn around and hurt me again – sometimes the very next day – and I could never understand it. Every single nice memory we had was always wiped out by all the other shitty things he did, and he could never understand why I was never happy.
I was looking for consistency and healthy behavior from someone who was incapable of giving it.
Today, I can enjoy the moment we had. It was beautiful, whether or not he was doing his best Prince Charming appearance. And I know him well enough to expect some future bad behavior, and maybe it will still surprise me a little, but I will handle it (although you might have to read some rantings about it first), and it doesn’t have to negate this moment.
I have to say I’m very, very pleasantly surprised at this unexpected turn of events.