I finally slept like a baby last night. I need that. Everyone at work told me I looked so much better today, which had me wondering what kind of horror I was yesterday.
I’ve been through a lot in the last month or so.
I had been lying awake for hours at night – so unusual for me. My mind turned and turned, along with my body, and my jumbled thoughts crowded the dark room. Sometimes I could make my way back to a particular worry or idea to dwell on it briefly, but something else would soon push its way in front of me, demanding attention. Electric pulses charged up my body and heated it into a heavy sweat, leaving me with disgusting damp sheets by morning.
Morning came before dawn, and then the itching routine began. Hot shower, more itching. Survival mode, but with awareness. Discomfort.
I told myself “this too shall pass,” and plodded through another 24 hours. Different day, different shit. More shit. Unbelievable shit.
I tried to meditate at night there in my bedroom, surrounded by those annoying thoughts that denied me rest. The LED lights from a clock display were too bright. I pulled the covers up into a pile to block the view. Then it was the hellish blinking from the smoke detector on the ceiling. I lay face down. The moon shined through the slats in my blinds, and I lay there with my eyes burning behind the lids and a pounding headache, trying not to look at the clock out of fear of knowing how many hours I’d been awake.
So, here’s what I think is going on…
I’m changing my behavior. I’m stepping out of my zone of comfort I created after the divorce:
- Avoid fights
- Stay calm
- Be flexible
- Don’t worry
- Do unto others…
I don’t think these rules to live by are bad. I think they’re quite nice, actually. But exceptions are developing:
- Avoid fights, except when the battle is worth the result
- Stay calm, except when I’m not calm
- Be flexible, except when it denies me something I really want or need
- Don’t worry, except… well, maybe this one should just stay as is
- Negotiate, except when it’s one-sided
- Do unto others, except when doing so injures me, and do not expect reciprocation from assholes
Setting boundaries with people is really hard for me. Setting limits with assholes is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Being uncomfortable isn’t such a horrible thing, though it sucks when you’re in it. It means I’m doing something different – something unknown and out of the ordinary. It means I’m growing and writing new stories.
I think I’m healing. And I didn’t even need sex to do it.