My body is eliminating weight efficiently and about as fast as I dreamed it could. I’m pleased with the progress and anxious about getting “down there.”
Losing my top coat is leaving me a little uncovered – a little bit exposed. Feelings are being felt. What is going on?
My adrenaline has been pushing me through the last month or so, leaving me excited and exhausted all at once. It hurts so good to feel it pulsating throughout my entire body, but focusing in my core, radiating energy and a slight tingling sensation. Workouts are full of life. I’m smiling “from my liver.” Everything is more fun.
But the first full week of weight loss ended with some sadness and lots of internal conflict. I’m not sure what I’m feeling; I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this way before, so it’s very hard to define. I feel a deep sense of loss. I feel miserably happy. I feel restless and uncomfortable and titillated and inspired. I have a race this weekend, and I’m wondering how it will be to run amidst thousands of people while I’m in this strange space inside my head and not numbed out with sugar.
Every morning I can’t wait to get up so I can step on the scale and see a budge. And every night I can’t wait to go to bed so I can lie there for awhile and let all of these feelings wash over me until I fall asleep wrapped up in cool sheets, resting until I can do it all over again. Days are jammed-packed with meetings and routines and people. Drives up and down the long turnpike are zone-out opportunities with sexy music on my gyrating Harmon Kardon speakers while I feel a vague sexual tug at my groin. I struggle to create a fantasy or tap into a deep desire to no avail… the pumping beat and adrenaline thrusts me into a story that has no beginning or end or middle. And the frustration of that is part of the thrill.
I’m waiting… waiting… waiting…
By August, I should reach my racing weight goal, or at least I should have made a significant move toward it. I’m so curious about the stories that will fill in the weeks between now and then. What will I gain on this journey of loss?