For various reasons, I decided not to post about my most recent relationship, which has challenged me to write about my Self.  Hence, the posts have been few and far between.  
I wonder if any relationships exist where one partner does not need the other more.  I seem to be at one side of the spectrum or the other, and both ends can be equally dissatisfying.   
I am a recovering codependent.  The behavior of others can make or break my day.  With a great partner, I can be a very happy girl.  With the wrong one, I am absolutely fucking miserable.  A compliment from a co-worker gives a thrill that lasts for hours; even thinkingthat someone is speaking ill of me can send me spiraling into depression.  Remove the relationships with people and… 
Who am I and how am I supposed to feel?  And why is it so fucking difficult to just be ME?

Throw into the mix some peri-menopausal mood swings and forget about it.  I’m a ticking time bomb.

When I can get calm and clear, I see it.  I see myself and I see my behavior, and I understand it.  And I can separate my Self from the feelings swarming around my soul like angry bees.

Another lovely trait of codependency is the great desire to control, although this is often disguised as a “need to plan ahead” attribute.  I want to know everything – right now.  I want to figure out what you’ll do if I say this, or what you’ll say if I do that.  And I want to know how it’s all going to affect me.  Today.  This instant. 

“We’ll see” and “I’ll get back to you” are the worst sorts of irritations.  Worse yet, if a schedule is set, and the date comes and goes without a definitive answer, my world comes crumbling down.  Change my routine on me in the middle of my game, and I am lost.

I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out when to sit tight and when to get off my ass and do something when faced with conflict or an uncomfortable situation.  And I tend to think myself into a crazed state of assumptions and predictions, especially when I am hell-bent on a particular outcome. 

I want to ask a million questions about the future; do I want to know the answers now, which may or may not be the truth of what actually happens, or do I want to wait and see what life brings along?  Asking questions may help clear up some unknowns and help me choose when facing a fork in the road, but I think the greater life skill is to let the outcomes go and just settle in to the long run and enjoy it for the journey.  You know, kind of like a nice, slow 16 through the countryside… ahh… now that’s a fucking wonderful thought, right there.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

1 Comment on “Push Me, Pull Me

  1. I've become a fan of your blog. I see myself in a lot of what you are going through. Thanks


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