What does it mean to be secure in a relationship?
To me, security means I feel happy, not bad. It means I feel loved, not bull-shitted. It means I feel grateful, not “less-than.” I used to believe that my partner controlled whether or not I felt secure, but I see clearly now that it’s completely my responsibility.
If I know another person loves me – really loves me – and I feel it in my gut, what else do I need to feel secure? What do I want to feel secure about?
When I first married Mr. N/A, I put him through some awful times when I demanded to be “first” in his life. I even remember using those words with him. I wanted to be more important than rugby, happy hour, and work. I never felt like I was, and we were both unhappy.
Later in our marriage, I wanted guarantees that he wouldn’t “cheat” on me. I wonder… if I had felt secure in myself and secure in the fact that he loved me, would I have been so crushed about the girlfriends? Maybe not. To me, his affairs meant he didn’t love me, but today I believe that it’s possible to love more than one person at a time, although that’s not a very popular concept in our society.
My insecurities awaken when:
- I start to compare myself to other people and feel like I’m falling short
- I question my gut or get lost in my head (a.k.a. think too much)
- I focus on what I don’t have instead of being grateful for everything I do have
And, really, none of those things have anything whatever to do with another person. Security is an inside job.