The other night I had a sudden pang of loneliness as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come.  It hurt more than usual, so I let myself feel the sting of it, and then I got serious with myself.  
What was I missing?  Did I really wish I had a man next to me?  Really?  No, I decided, that wasn’t it, because I’ve had men in my bed before and felt the same sense of loneliness.  Maybe I just wanted sex.  No, because sex without love and passion is… grinding genitals.  Barely a step up from Big Blue, my personal feel-good tool.  And since I recently made a conscious decision to deny a man who loves me unconditionally that warm spot next to me, I resigned myself to the theory that I must just be totally fucked up. 
What was hurting me?  
I never really did figure it out, but tonight I’m wondering if my pain stemmed from the simple fact that I had a need.  I don’t like to need anything or anyone.  In fact, I hate that feeling.  If I need something or someone outside of myself to feel okay, what happens to me when they leave?  The agony of abandonment is practically unbearable for me, and I never ever want to experience it again.  
And so, I fill my time with beautiful, soul-opening runs and physical challenges and career goals and children’s needs and housework and… 
Maybe I just won’t have time to think about what I need. 

3 Comments on “Whatcha Want?

  1. I think you still have feelings for your ex. That's what I'm getting out of all this struggle with love, trust and insecurity. What do you think?

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  2. Interesting thought. I'm sure I have feelings – I loved the man for a very long time. But we hurt each other – a lot – and I was angry for a long, long time. The fog is clearing… I'm not so mad anymore.

    My feelings are probably irrelevant to the situation, since I'm pretty sure he loathes me, but the idea is worth identifying and exploring to facilitate my healing, I suppose.

    I'll keep you posted on that.

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  3. I've been turning things over in my head, and what I think is this:

    Any “feelings” I have are simply empty wishes leftover from the marriage. I wished things could have been different. But they weren't.

    The feelings of betrayal and of discovering that Mr. N/A isn't at all the man I thought he was or hoped he would be have been very difficult to digest, because it brings my own judgment into question.

    And that's the part that's been hard to repair. Trusting myself to make good decisions that are in my best interest – to be able to see a
    person for who they really are – that is the challenge.

    Often, when something is bad for me, I just keep plugging away at it, thinking I just need to do it better, harder or with more passion. It takes more than determination to solve the problems of the world. Sometimes the answer is in walking away.

    And that is a very hard lesson for me.

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