It used to be that I didn’t know what to write sometimes because I was so terribly miserable. Now, I don’t know what to write because I’m deliriously happy, and I really just don’t have the appropriate vocabulary to describe my state of mind. Plus, it seems a little obnoxious to talk incessantly about my good fortune.
I’m still happy. Yeah. Still. And I swear it’s growing like a snowball tumbling down a mountainside.
Feeling it is like taking the deepest breath I can possibly take and then realizing I can hold just a little more air. It’s always just a little more – more than I ever dreamed I could feel.
It’s foreign to me. I don’t know how to behave in the middle of all of this delight. I was waiting for the crash at first, but it hasn’t come, so I decided to relax into the glow and enjoy it for all it’s worth. And since I don’t know how to express myself on this idea, all I can do is yap, yap, yap about it, using the same words over and over until I find new ones.
Coach says it’s a decision. You can’t wait for this or that to happen first. You can’t put happiness off into the “someday” category. Of course it’s a decision to be happy. I choose happy. But for me, so much of this game is simply a complete disregard for fear.
Living in Love is what makes me burst at the seams. That’s the thing that has my heart pumping and my face lit up. Love is my drug of choice. Love wakes me up and shakes me and convinces me that the world is a wonderful place. Love warms my blood and makes my cheeks hurt from too much smiling. Love sets my priorities straight and doesn’t let me sweat the small stuff. I just can’t get there when I’m afraid. Fear has got to go.
I think it’s surely impossible to run a marathon while living immersed in Fear. Something had to open up in order for me to make the attempt, and to keep going until the finish – well, that takes some fearlessness right there. That was my beginning.
Now, every day is an opportunity to grab on to an outstretched hand and practice letting go. The less I Fear, the more I Love. The more I Love, the less I Fear.
I’m still taking baby steps. I think I hit on something during the holidays when I wondered if I still have some bugs to work out with regard to sex and this whole Love/Fear thing. But for now, I remain content (mostly) to practice sweeping Fear from my life without worrying about a physical relationship with anyone. But when the time comes, I think it’s going to be beyond my wildest dreams.
Just imagine what kind of life could be had in the absence of Fear. And the sex… whew. I can’t wait to write that chapter.