|Morning Run 2012|
I’m not quite sure when I learned to be distrustful of others and of the Universe. Certainly one critical point was that I obediently remained a virgin until my wedding night, only to find myself in a sexless marriage (literally). I wasn’t too happy with god about that one – totally not funny.
Other assorted disappointments and frustrations happened along the way, and eventually, I really didn’t trust anyone – including myself. Life was out to get me and make me the butt of its cruel jokes, all at the expense of my sanity and well-being.
Lately, I’ve been taking baby steps to return to Trust. It’s part of living in Love, after all. On one hand, it almost seems irresponsible to trust blindly. Isn’t it part of being an adult to look ahead and be prepared for worst-case scenarios? Isn’t that the Girl Scout thing to do? But on the other hand, too much worry and enmeshment in pending doom cripples me completely in the here and now and throws a big wet blanket on my happy glow. I like my happy glow. I can’t lose the happy glow.
To use a running analogy (which is one way the Universe has been getting my attention of late), I can’t run at all without seeing at least a glimpse of what lies ahead, but stressing about what obstacles might threaten my route simply takes the fun out of the run and leaves me uptight and unable to feel the joy of the journey. I can’t worry about mile 20 during miles 1-19, or I’ll miss the whole damn thing.
I guess that’s it. Sometimes I live my life in a pre-dawn, headlamp-mode space, where all I can see is what’s directly in front of me. And I just keep going. I try my best to keep my stride and my pace and when I’m done, I experience the exhilaration of the birth of a brand-new day and every step in the dark was worth my while.
I’m convinced I’ve done nothing to deserve the goodness that surrounds me at this stage of my life. Love happens. Just like the dawn, I only have to be awake in order to see it and feel it and let it shine into my soul. It’ll happen without me, but I sure don’t want to miss it because I’m worrying about where I’ll be at sunset.