My eyes are puffy. I’m wearing a very old pair of glasses while my contacts soak off some heavy duty tears. I guess every day can’t be super-fabulicious, but wow, it’s so interesting to view these tearful episodes from a new perspective.
Better yet, it’s astounding to get down to the basics and understand the fundamental reason for my upset, instead of blaming it on the nearest victim (well, at least I apologized to him). Fear. It’s always Fear. Damn Fear.
And sometimes, lately, I swear it’s biological. Sometimes I just need to shed some salty tears. Can’t help it. Can’t stop it. I’m crying now – for no apparent reason, other than residual emotions that feel too big for my body.
Disappointment is hard on me. When someone tells me they will do something and then they don’t, I am lost. I don’t understand. I get upset. I don’t get why it’s so hard to keep your word, with rare emergency exceptions. Words are very important to me, and I guess that makes sense to the Writer in me. Your word is your promise… your vow… your intent.
Mr. N/A used to disappoint me a lot. Alcohol certainly played a key part in that story. Eventually, he got to the point where he just never committed to anything, because inevitably he would disappoint me and I would cry. No promises meant no sense of ownership on his part – therefore, I had no right to be upset with him.
And so it went.
I am distrustful by nature. I don’t know why. But the one thing I can count on is that people will let me down – always. They always do.
(Enter – Stage Right – The Mythical Prince.)
Except for him.
He never disappoints me, even when I expect him to. He is Kindness. He soothes me. He gives me gifts I never knew I wanted. No glass slipper. No magic carpet ride. No kiss to wake me from my slumber. He’s simply… Him.
And that’s enough.