Staring at a blank page, wondering how I feel… trying to recall the euphoria of yesterday’s long run before the week’s shit began… ugh.
Coach gave me a great pep talk today.  He’s good at that – always patient and logical in an understanding way, and I appreciate that more than he knows.  He’s smart and funny – who else could ever get me to laugh in the middle of my pain?
But the shit remains, right there in the midst of all my Love and joy.  Damn the shit.
Coach reminded me that I’m not the same person I was 8 years ago.  I’m stronger.  I’ve got a lot of really great stuff going on.  And yet I’m struggling so much with this particular stress.  I think it’s because I’m not numb anymore.  I was so completely shut down for so long that all I could do in situations like this was survive from one moment to the next.  And I did.  But there is so much more to Life than simply surviving. 
I’ve opened up myself to Love, and with that brings a vulnerability to unfamiliar feelings.  It’s like the difference between birthing a child with an epidural and having a natural birth.  You can go the easy route and numb out – which I did, by the way, 3 times – or you can breathe your way through it and deal with the pain.  I’m breathing.  And it hurts.  And it’s uncomfortable.  And my lungs burn.  And I want a shot in the back to make it all better.  But if I shut down my feelings, then I can’t feel Love, and that just isn’t an option for me today.  
Either way I’ll get through it – of course I will.  But how do I want to get there?  In a closed-down, emotionally-void state like a drunk with his face in a bottle of scotch, or with my heart wide open?
I choose Love.
I choose it – I claim it.  I demand it.  I will no longer live without it.  
Now that we’ve established that, how in the fuck do I do this?

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