Heavy sigh… (Accompanied by heaving shoulders.)
What a week. And it’s only Hump Day, for crying out loud.
Somehow I’ve gotten away from what’s important in my life and I’m focusing on all the wrong things. Well, maybe not all the wrong things, but some wrong things at the very least.
Today, my son wrapped his arms around my waist and snuggled his head against my chest like he did when he was little. I buried my face in his hair and smelled his beautiful son smell. He stayed there, holding tight, and I kept breathing while clips of lovely memories from days gone by flashed in my mind. I told him he was always going to be my baby, even when he’s 50.
I looked at him – he’s tall and slim and growing peach fuzz in manly places. A lot has happened in 11 years.
My little Freckles can always bring me back into the present moment.
I miss my workouts with Coach this week. I don’t think I’ve been completely present for them in a while, and I don’t like that. Maybe that’s one reason I like to work out hard – because when a thing is difficult to do or requires complete focus, it’s very difficult not to be in the present moment.
I’m uncertain how to write about this place I’m in, and the temptation is to just skip the posts until I feel I have something profound to say about it. But writing, much like running, is one of the ways I work through my stuff, and so here I am making a valiant attempt to make any sense of it.
When I feel stressed – pressed against on every side, up to my ears in worry, or thrown off-balance – I want to get away from it. I want to escape. I want to numb out. I want a distraction that will entertain me until it dissolves. Food and sex are my top feel-good choices. Or I also like to think it to death. You know, figure things out, come up with a dramatic lesson, or strategize my way out of it.
But here I am this time, in the middle of an ocean of stress, and none of those things are in reach. And my brain won’t work. All I see everywhere around me is water, and no help is on the way. I’ve been thrashing about, exhausting myself, and now I’m slipping into that apathetic state where it would be easy to simply stop fighting and let myself slip quietly beneath the surface and into the deep darkness.
But I’m too stubborn for that. Marathon runners don’t give up so easily.
What if… I just lie on my back and float and trust the laws of nature to support me? Scary thought. Terrifying. Be still? Me?
Learning how to be still, to really be still and let life happen – that stillness becomes a radiance.
~ Morgan Freeman
I want my radiance back. I want my glow – my life, my heart, my joy. I want Love to take center stage and I want Fear to move on out. I want to walk into a room, and see people do a double-take – not for any other reason but that I look extraordinarily happy.
Happiness grows, you know. Just like grumpiness. Grumpy is frumpy. Grumpy is ugly and not nice. I wanna spread the Love, man, especially when it’s way easier to be a crab apple. I want to live life surrounded by radiant, loving people, and I want to contribute.
So, now I guess I have an intention. I have a desire. I have a goal. Let’s see what I can do with that.
First, I’m going to go grab another whiff of my son’s hair when I say goodnight. Ah…