I just finished an evening run after shoving handfuls of my secret Easter candy stash in my mouth. It was one of those “anxiety of another kind” days.
It was Arm Day at the gym – my favorite – and we did a fast workout with a couple of new things that got me all charged up. This “self-control” shit is getting old. I’m tired of being a born-again virgin, but I refuse to have sex with any old dick just to ease my frustration. Not happening. And so the chocolate binges will continue.
I’m still living in Limbo with other things, but there is a certain hopefulness that makes it tolerable for today. I have a calmness that comes from knowing, even though I don’t know – you know?
My struggle continues with being completely and consistently open. My chest is still tight physically, which seems to match my emotional state as well. I feel a little tight – a little closed off. I have moments of openness, but there’s just something that’s in my way… hmm… yeah… I suppose it’s Fear. A little Fear is still hanging around. What if I can’t do it? What if I don’t get it? What if I never have sex again? Those kinds of Fears.
But I’m feeling more and more optimistic overall, and I remain happy.
Pretty god damn happy.