I just finished an evening run after shoving handfuls of my secret Easter candy stash in my mouth.  It was one of those “anxiety of another kind” days. 

It was Arm Day at the gym – my favorite – and we did a fast workout with a couple of new things that got me all charged up.  This “self-control” shit is getting old.  I’m tired of being a born-again virgin, but I refuse to have sex with any old dick just to ease my frustration.  Not happening.  And so the chocolate binges will continue.    
I’m still living in Limbo with other things, but there is a certain hopefulness that makes it tolerable for today.  I have a calmness that comes from knowing, even though I don’t know – you know? 
My struggle continues with being completely and consistently open.  My chest is still tight physically, which seems to match my emotional state as well.  I feel a little tight – a little closed off.  I have moments of openness, but there’s just something that’s in my way… hmm… yeah… I suppose it’s Fear.  A little Fear is still hanging around.  What if I can’t do it?  What if I don’t get it?  What if I never have sex again?  Those kinds of Fears.
But I’m feeling more and more optimistic overall, and I remain happy. 
Pretty god damn happy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: