Looking back over my past big relationships, it’s interesting that sex (lack of) was a major issue in all of them.  Whether it was distance, lack of interest on his part, or other things, I never seemed to match up with my partner in terms of frequency or fulfillment.

During this time of self-imposed celibacy, I’ve thought about it a lot, actually, and I often wonder why the Universe would set me up like that.  But maybe it’s been a lesson in Love, after all.
My first experiences with sexuality were about feeling good and “doing it.”  I felt like such a freak that I waited so long to have sex – it was something that made me finally feel “normal” and of course, I liked it. 
While I loved the men in these relationships, I had never lived in Love until lately.  I’ve written so much about how my heart has finally opened up and what a brand new experience that is for me.  Having sex while I was shut down emotionally was probably just a step above using my vibrator.
What would have happened if I had found a life partner who enjoyed sex as much as I did and we spent the last 20 years numbing out and fucking?  Maybe not having sex as frequently as I would like offered me the chance to wake up and feel my own heartbeat.
I suspect that the next time I do have sex, it will be much more than a feel-good activity.  I anticipate nothing less than a mind-blowing, earth-shaking, magical, beautiful, wonderful expression of this growing Love in my life.     
I forgive myself for all of the times I accepted sex when I wanted Love, and I thank the Universe for protecting me from myself when I didn’t know any better. 

One Comment on “Sexual Healing

  1. I need to say this Lisa. There is nothing wrong with you and your desire for satisfying and fulfilling sex. Your past relationships didnt't work out for a reason. I know how it feels to be turned down or to feel unattractive because of lack of attention to your needs. The focus must be put on your past men. I do not know them but I do know they have lost out on a great woman. Maybe they were intimidated by your strength, maybe they needed to make you feel inferior for their pride. I dont know, I can only guess. But I must tell you, they are fools!! They missed out on a caring woman, an unselfish woman, a woman who would put her lover first. All you wanted was to be respected and loved back the same way. It sounds like they fucked to fuck and that can be damaging to you and selfish on their part. You deserve to be kissed passionately, your body deserves to be touched and caressed. You should have love made to you all night long and then be held in the morning. You are so pretty and extremely sexy Lisa. You are young, smart and athletic. The Universe has set you up but not in a negative way. Any man would be lucky to have a chance with you!! I mean that!

    Like

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