This afternoon I did a poor job of staying in Love, and I let Fear grab me.
Fear brings the most horrible emotions with it – rejection, disappointment, victimization and a demanding attitude. I don’t want any of those to possess my heart.
Sometimes I get so locked in on something I want – something that just sounds way too good to be true – and if the story doesn’t follow my script (which of course, it never does), I am lost and afraid. I become distrustful and I think the Universe hasn’t had its fill of playing cruel jokes on me just yet.
Wanting something makes me vulnerable, and I hate that. What if I never wanted anything, but just floated through life, letting the current carry me here or there? That sort of passiveness sounds weak and pathetic to me.
Wanting something, I thought, is about dreaming. What about “if you can imagine it, you can achieve it?” Wanting something puts a fire in my belly and gets me excited and moving. It’s passion. It’s desire. It’s… devastating when I don’t get it.
So do I prefer never to want a thing and therefore never risk a loss, or am I willing to risk possible pain in exchange for feeling alive and acknowledging the wishes of my heart? Of course I know the answer even as I type. I cannot merely exist now that I know what it is to Live. I will continue to want. I will continue to hope and wish.
And for the times when I don’t get what I want, I’ll hold on tight to Love and try not to take the whole thing so goddamn personally.