Yeah, still good.

Despite my best efforts today, none of my tools seemed to pull me out of my worry and Fear.  I dumped on someone I care about – I hate doing that.  But I recognize that I’m reaching my limits, and I’m just stuck.  I don’t know how to help myself. 
I’m doing all the wrong things – focusing on the negatives, projecting losses that have not yet occurred, and counting my disappointments instead of my blessings.  “Everything will be okay,” sounds like the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. 
The past few months have been just as hard, but I’ve had things to look forward to that cheered me up.  But right now – nothing.  No races, no happy hours, no vacations.  Thank god I still have my workouts – I’d be so lost without those, although it looks like the summer will take a chunk of those away as well.
God, I have claimed the Pity Pot as my throne.
I need something good.  I need something positive.  I need something that will charge me up and make me feel so alive that the Fear is forgotten.
So tomorrow, I’m challenging myself with a long trail run.  The risk is that it could go badly and result in yet another huge disappointment.  On the other hand, if I succeed, it could be a shot in the arm that will numb the pain for a little while longer, and maybe something really great will happen before it all starts hurting again. 
All of my happy posts remain true; I am strangely happy underneath the Fear.  It’s like I finally got brave enough to undress and expose myself to Love, and Fear is covering me up with a heavy robe and wants to spoil all my fun.  But I’m still me underneath.  Fear can’t change that. 
I might be a little bit broken, but I’m still good. 
Yeah, still good.

One Comment on “Broken, but Still Good

  1. Damn girl! Funny how things work! You gambled, you took a chance and you came up aces.. I would have commented differently on this post but I know the outcome of the next day. I did say great things are coming your way and I meant it!! Hang on Lisa!!! Hang on!

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