I have a happy buzz tonight, and I don’t think it was from the water I drank at dinner.
I’ve been guarding the door of my heart – keeping it open just enough to peek out and let the air circulate. Not intentionally really, it’s just been that way. Fear has been knocking. Old tapes have been playing in my head about some very old subjects that have nothing to do with today, but they left me feeling vulnerable and unwanted in a sad story from long ago that feels like it’s happening in the here and now.
Today, I felt the door swing open a little. Just a little. I looked Love in the eye, and it felt warm and familiar and safe and frightening all at the same time. It’s so fucking scary to me to let go of everything and just live in Love. Love and Trust come in stages – each with it’s own unique challenges and rewards. I can only let go a little at a time, because I’m scared and I need an escape if things go awry (a.k.a. I get hurt). But it’s only in letting go that I can Love more deeply.
Allowing myself to feel cherished is tough. I have a knack for dreaming up cockamamie stories as to why anyone would be kind to me, because I’m so sure I don’t deserve it. But consistent daily attention and kindness from another person eventually convinces me to drop the protest and simply embrace the idea that someone might actually like me a little without a hidden agenda. Imagine that.
My nature is to run away when things get too scary – to slam that door of my heart shut tight with an angry voice and sit alone behind it making promises that I’ll never again let myself believe that I deserve anything wonderful, because most certainly I do not.
But Love is gently holding my hand and convincing me that everything will be okay, and I want so much to relax, let go, and believe it.