My head hurts. The hardest time for me to write is when my brain is sifting through the stories of my life and trying to make sense of anything. The thoughts come faster than my words, and they all end up in a messy pile like a bad car accident.
Better to simply live. Best to live in Love.
I’m trying. I’m trying so very hard. But so much of my old shit is in my face, I’m having trouble distinguishing between the past and present, and I’m resorting to old, defensive behaviors that I’d like to
I honestly don’t care to psycho-analyze everything and have tidy little lessons written for each chapter of my life. I’m fine with not understanding everything in my past that may have hurt me. But I am concerned about how I’m going to handle myself today, and it’s only natural to draw from past experiences when making present-day choices.
I don’t want to shut down, close up, and run away – again. But if I stay here, I don’t want to fight, manipulate, or convince either. If I stay, I don’t want to be scared and worried and insecure, because that’s not living in Love and it feels like shit. I think the only way I can continue on without being hurt is to keep my heart open and that’s ironic, because being hurt is exactly my biggest fear about opening my heart. Funny how that works.
I think I’ll need some help on this one.