I wonder if one day I’ll look back on this period of my life and forget how it felt to be this happy, or if this is going to be a permanent new norm. I suspect that once you’ve lived in Love, you just stay there – forever – no matter what, and that you maintain a connection with the persons, places and things that brought you into bliss.
Opening my heart is learning something new. Like all new things, the first time you go as far as you can go and do the best you can do. And it feels great. And then the next time you try it, you go a bit further… and so on, until the level you reached in the first round seems like baby stuff, yet you still feel like you haven’t even begun to reach your full potential. Running, lifting weights, opening my heart… it’s all the same concept to me.
So while I acknowledge how very far I’ve come in this heart-opening journey, I know I can go a little further. I know there’s even more untapped joy that I can’t even wrap my brain around at this point.
And that’s a little bit scary.
It terrifies me to feel vulnerable. And yet, I think this process demands vulnerability. I’m putting as much of my Self forward as I can at this point. And I’m sure I can go further if I just keep practicing. Ghosts of past hurts and experiences remain and sometimes shutting down feels more natural, although it’s not such a comfortable place for me to stay anymore.
Trust isn’t certainty. Its very nature means not knowing for sure. Believing that the world is not a horrible place and that a person could genuinely care for me and all my freckles is a huge leap of faith for me. But open hearts must trust. They must. It doesn’t work without trust.
Transparency and consistency breed trust. I’m so used to living with secrets that any other behavior leaves me stunned and surprised. Mr. N/A withheld so much information from me (mostly mundane, irrelevant things) that I felt like I didn’t know him at all. I like knowing whether or not you like whipped cream. I enjoy hearing about the details of your life – not because I must know or because I’m prying. Because open hearts encourage hearts to open. Open up. Lay it out there. Let’s dance in the middle of it all and live in Love.
I’m not opposed to blazing a trail, but just know that sometimes I may want you to take my hand and lead the way because I’m unsure. I mean, I know I’ve got biceps now, but I’m still a girl.