I thought more about what it is that I want.
Of all the things I started to list in my mind that I think I need or crave, I realize the thing I want most is to be happy. That’s it – nothing more – just to be happy.
Sometimes I fool myself into believing that there’s a better life out there just waiting to be had. A life that includes enough ravaging, regular sex to fill me up or contented evenings in front of a fire with someone I love. A life of annual summer vacations and family events and… The life those people over there have – yes, they have a story-book life in a very nice house with all the trimmings. I want that life, and that will make me happy.
But all I see is what I imagine. I don’t know if the life is really any different from the one I lead; I only believe it’s so.
Maybe no one ever gets all of the things they want in a lifetime. Maybe a sacrifice must always be made for the sake of anything that’s right and good. Maybe we have to pick and choose because we’ll never ever have it all.
Am I willing to sacrifice crazy, hot, emotionally connected sex for the consistency of a man who wants to spend his life with me? Would I trade my health for closet full of Louboutin shoes? Would I give up my home in order to travel the world?
Why can’t we just have everything?
Or, maybe, if I can simply be present in my life instead of wistfully thinking about someone else’s, I would have that which makes me whole.
That is all there is. All the rest is a mirage.